


Before Dawn

by MadameJellyfish



Category: Log Horizon
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:30:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameJellyfish/pseuds/MadameJellyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up before dawn is terrible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by ADAMS' Yoakemae and fueled by the denial of finals week.
> 
> Edit: I am coming back to finish this but I'm waiting until after graduation in May.  
> Sorry for the wait!

A surprise gust of wind startled him into consciousness. As he shifted from hazy dream to harsh reality, Soujirou noticed that his once-heated sanctuary of a room had transformed into an ice cold prison cell.

 _Idiot_.

He had forgotten yet again to close the window before he slept. Now the room was close to freezing and snow was blowing in softly through the open window. Blinking grumpily, Soujirou very reluctantly sat up and threw the sheets off and was instantly assaulted by the still cold that hung in the air.  _Whoops,_  he thought offhandedly. He drew his kimono tight and wrapped his arms around himself, and rubbed his shoulders vigorously, preparing to get this over with. He took a breath then hopped up and ran quickly on tiptoe to the open window. Wincing as he let go of his shoulders to reach up, he pulled the frame down with a heavy tug and the sharp chill disappeared. He let out a sigh of relief, then glanced out the window.

It was still pitch black outside. Soujirou craned his neck to look down the street and put his hands around his eyes to block out the reflections in the glass. Snow was falling gently in the street and a clean sheet of smooth white covered the road and dusted the roof tops. Not a single person was out on the sidewalk. It was dead quiet. All of the streetlights in the immediate area had switched off, so it had to be really late or, in Soujirou's case, really early. Blinking sleepily, he swiped the air in front of his face and pulled down his start menu to check the time.

 _6:00 in the morning?!_  Soujirou whimpered out loud and shivered. It really was the dead of winter. Even Isaac's guild wouldn't get up this early at this time of year, even to train. He hated getting up before the sun. There was something about being awake at this time of night that made him feel absolutely miserable. It was so close to the beginning of the day, but yet so far away, and the sky remained stubbornly black for a whole, another, very long, hour. When the world was this dark, it was the perfect time for thinking the some of the worst thoughts imaginable, and the anticipation of dawn made the time go by even more slowly.

The lack of moonlight made this black hour even more depressing. Not a single weak ray of light shone from the sky. Since when had the moon in Elder Tale gone through phases? Did this mean the beaches experienced tides? Was that just one more thing the Adventurers had to consider now? Soujirou didn't let himself think on this for too long. Scientific reasoning wasn't his strong suit. That belonged to people with more fine-tuned brains.

...like Shiroe.

 _I wonder where Shiro-senpai is right now..._  he thought to himself instinctively. Shiroe was still away on his raid in the Abyssal Shaft all the way north in Susukino. Soujirou hadn't had a call from Shiroe for a few days now, but he liked to imagine that the enchanter was perfectly fine and leading the raid to certain victory. He could see Shiroe right now, giving out instructions from behind the front lines and supporting his comrades with all the right buffs. In his imagination, the monsters would fall immediately at Shiroe’s feet. He always looks so serious. So confident. So cool...

But, right now, thinking about Shiroe didn't do much to help the gloomy feeling in his chest. If anything, thinking about that confident, spectacled face only added to the effect seasonal depression already had on him. The feelings he harbored for his old mentor had only grown stronger since the Apocalypse and, despite being in frequent contact with him again after thinking for so long that Shiroe disliked him, Soujirou had really done nothing to indicate his interest in him. Their relationship had remained complacent. Not in a bad way, of course. Soujirou always looked forward to seeing Shiroe at Round Table meetings regardless and around town. But still… he wanted so badly to try and move things along.

While Shiroe had been away on a very important raid, his absence in Akiba had strengthened Soujirou's resolve to work harder to convey his feelings when he returned to the city. Of course, Shiroe's absence also frustrated Soujirou. Since he had this scheme elaborately planned out, he was frustrated that he wasn't able to test it out immediately and grew impatient and despondent waiting for Shiroe to come back. Despite constantly being surrounded by good friends, he felt very lonely. Only Shiroe's sporadic calls to update Soujirou on the raid instilled any true amount of life in him.

Soujirou remembered the cold and shivered again.

_How long is it going to take this stupid room to warm up again?_

At this point, Soujirou could not see himself going back to sleep. His mind was too worked up and he needed to walk it off before the negative thoughts ruined his day. Finally tearing himself away from the black void in the window, he walked over to the bedroom door and grabbed his haori and scarf off of the hook.

Quietly, he opened the door, peeking around it to make sure there was no one lurking around before he exited his room. Still looking nervously around him, he tiptoed slowly down the hall. Lucky for him, most of the light sleepers in his guild slept on the third and fourth floors. Not exactly the best sleeping arrangement for security purposes, but Soujirou was prone to night walks and he enjoyed the freedom of being able to easily leave without bothering or worrying anybody.

He finally reached the small entrance hall where the members of the West Wind Brigade dropped off their armor and outerwear. Considering the lax nature of the guild, and how excitable his comrades were, this room was surprisingly neat and put-together, and only a few pairs of shoes were littered across the floor. This was all Isami and Dolce’s doing. Soujirou would never keep anything organized if it weren’t for them. Individual half-lockers for guild members lined the walls in vertical pairs. Soujirou's was the farthest locker right next to the door. He opened it with great difficulty, still being half-asleep and very depressed, but managed to pull on his winter coat and a pair of rain boots that he almost never wore. Taking one more absent-minded glance around himself, he quietly opened the front door.

He stepped outside. Immediately he regretted not putting on a hat, but the thought of traipsing all the way back up to his room for one irritated him. The snow had stopped, surprisingly. It was a clear night now, though still dark. The snow that had fallen that night was already starting to melt on the exposed pavement in spite of the cold. He was okay with that though- he wasn't too fond of snow after New Year's.

The crisp smell of cold air entered his nose and made it tingle, causing him to tear up.  _Why? Why does inhaling sudden cold always do that?_  Wiping his eyes with the tips of his fingers, and ignoring the slight pain of rubbing his eyes dry, he started down the street and began to sift through his frustrations.

Now that his eyes had adjusted better to the dark, could see the world around him. There were still wreaths on every door and garland and lights were strung from window after window after window. They looked sad and soggy in the dismal atmosphere that now hung in the air. “ _Stupid people trying to perpetuate the holidays past their time. Just let it go already!!_ ” he thought bitterly, allowing himself to scoff out loud. He was half-tempted to “help” these people take down their directions, but he resisted the temptation and kept stomping through the slush.

After a few minutes of walking, he reached the center square of Akiba. The Christmas tree was also still up and decor hadn't been taken down from the lamp posts. The whole scene looked pathetic. In their prime they had been magical and pretty, but Christmas and New Year's were over now and the persistent decorations reeked of desperation.

What a hectic holiday season it had been. Dying on Christmas Eve at the hands of the serial killer he couldn't even slay or protect his guild from had been the perfect beginning to the perfect week.

He was glad, of course, that the Watermaple Consulate Raid Party had taken out the murderer and made the city safe again, but being disappointed at his own failure to personally defeat the murderer, in combination with seasonal depression and missing his friends, was really starting to bring him down. He didn’t tell his guild, though he suspected they knew anyway, but that whole spiel with Lugrius’ serial killings had destroyed his spirit. He was so upset and preoccupied with his own shortcomings in fighting Lugrius that he pulled out of the fight completely, the complete opposite of what he’d normally do. Skipping on the raid fixed nothing, as he suspected it might. Instead, his obsession gnawed at him as he sat inside, brooding and alienating himself from everyone; meanwhile his entire guild was busy training, going over strategy, and fighting with all their strength. Over the last fortnight he felt himself rotting from the inside out and day after day he grew more and more despondent until finally the long-awaited day of the raid arrived. And he wasn’t even able to fight in it because of the hole he dug himself into. Merry Christmas indeed.

On top of all of that, he was now afraid that his dissatisfaction with the current state of things was starting to be very noticeable. He was usually very good at putting up a cheerful and positive front, as it was always easy to rally the girls in his guild. But, lately, he’d been holding fewer and fewer meetings. He hadn’t eaten a single meal with them or even really talked to them in two days. His room had become his own self-imposed prison and he had no idea how to break the mold.

Well. He had one idea, but it was not likely to happen right now.  

He considered how the West Wind Brigade had supported him the last couple of weeks. A few of the more intuitive members, namely Nazuna and Dolce, were aware of his feelings towards Shiroe, and went out of their way to cheer him up and encourage him, bringing him extra salmon for dinner and giving him pep talks on his relationship with Shiroe. Their most popular words of encouragement revolved around reminding him that he was one of the very few Shiroe had entrusted with the knowledge of where he was going. He had even cut off all contact with his devoted assassin, Akatsuki, as well as the rest of the Log Horizon guild. In addition to the rare calls from Shiroe, he received some information about the raid secondhand from Marielle, who was in contact with Naotsugu. However, the information she recounted mostly concerned Naotsugu, an irritating amount of romantic gushing, and a lot of jealousy regarding some… company Naotsugu was keeping. In the end, the holidays just hadn't been the same without the presence of one of his favorite people.

Soujirou’s thoughts brought him back to the present moment again. Taking in his surroundings, he saw that he was now in a neighborhood that was close to the edge of Akiba. Still not ready to go back to his guild hall, he considered going for a walk through the woods right outside the city gates. The monsters there were all less than level 10 and would avoid him completely anyway.

He was almost to the main road leading out of the city when he felt a strange sensation that seemed to come from behind him, almost like he was being watched. He turned around and then jumped when he noticed where he was. It was Log Horizon's guild hall. 

 _Of course this is where I end up when I don’t pay attention to where I walk_.

He looked up longingly at the massive tree encased in concrete. How he wished that Shiroe had agreed to join his guild. He now understood why Shiroe had turned him down, but back then it had been caused him constant stress and worry. He was sure Shiroe hated him. For months, Soujirou berated himself, trying to pinpoint exactly what he had done to earn his mentor’s apparent disdain and cold shoulder. It had driven him senseless, but he was eventually able to shrug it off and forget it for a while once he was busy setting up and running the West Wind Brigade guild… at least until the Apocalypse. He was ashamed to admit that upon being trapped in the game, the first person he had checked to see if they were online had, of course, been Shiroe. The worry had started to come back at that point, but thankfully was abated instantly once Shiroe set things straight between them. To learn after all that time that Shiroe didn’t hate him and that it had been a gross misunderstanding had taken an immense load off of his back.

He looked the guild hall up and down, his eyes settling on a certain window on the left corner of the second floor. Even though he knew the room behind that window remained stubbornly unoccupied at the present, he still let his imagination run wild about the man who usually resided in that room.

He imagined himself visiting the Log Horizon guild. Shiroe and Naotsugu would be home from the raid and the building would be lively again. Akatsuki would open the door and he’d stride inside, confidently telling her he had private matters to discuss with the guild master, alone. He’d try not to race up the stairs to the second floor too eagerly, and he’d knock on the door. He’d hear a familiar, nasally voice call out from behind the door, “ _Come in!_ ” and he’d stroll into the room, gliding over to where his beloved enchanter would be working on his usual mountain of paperwork at his desk.

He’d walk around to the other side and lean his chin on Shiroe’s shoulder, entwining his arms under Shiroe’s and around his chest. He’d kiss his cheek and ask Shiroe how Shiroe’s day was. Shiroe would finally pry his face away from his scribing and return Soujirou’s affections, telling him that his day was mundane, but he was glad Soujirou had come over. Of course this wouldn’t actually be a meeting, they just needed some time alone.

Soujirou continued the scenario in his head, but when imaginary-Shiroe reached up to stroke his cheek and run his finger along his jawline, Soujirou cringed in embarrassment at his own fantasy. Putting his hands to his face and, shaking his head violently around, he tried desperately to escape the shame hole he’d dug himself into.  
            “No! No, No, No, No! Shut up Soujirou like that would ever happen you stupid idiot! Argh!!!” he whisper-yelled at himself, and banged himself on the head some more for good measure.

Eventually he calmed down again and after a few deep breaths, he was no longer flustered. As he relaxed though, the cold winter chill finally started to seep through his coat and he was growing cold again. He decided to forego the walk in the forest and head back home to his warm bed. He was feeling much better, and the fog of his depression had lifted quite a bit.

With a nod and a quiet and decisive " _Okay then!_ " Soujirou turned on his heel to go home and marched forward- and smashed at full-force into a tall, solid figure that had appeared out of nowhere. 

He looked up at the person, preparing to apologize when the sun finally broke over the horizon. Rays of light melted the dark and gloom over Akiba and lit up the sky, illuminating the stranger's face. 

Soujirou also lit up when he saw who it was. 

"Shiro-senpai!!" he exclaimed. He couldn't help but launch himself at near full force at the formerly-elusive enchanter, causing Shiroe to cry out in surprise. Wrapping his arms tightly around Shiroe’s slight frame, Soujirou buried his face in the fluff of his winter coat. He almost knocked Shiroe over but he had the guy in such a tight hug that he was able to pull them both back upright. “You’re back! Welcome home!!!” He felt like there were flowers blooming straight from his body, he was so happy.

A jovial voice called out from behind Shiroe.

“Whoa, hey! Soujirou! Don’t kill our guild master when he’s just gotten home! It’s been such a long trek, he’s on his last legs!” Soujirou looked up from the embrace to see Naotsugu walking up to them.

“Naotsugu-senpai!” Soujirou was just as glad to see the goofball of a guardian. His grin stretched from ear to ear, and happy tears were brimming slightly in the corners of his eyes. He hadn’t felt bliss like this in weeks.

"Oh! Soujirou! Is that you? I didn't even recognize you with your hair down like that!" the man who was finally in his arms again said.

Soujirou blushed furiously and immediately let go of Shiroe, his hands reflexively flying up to cover the top of his head in sudden embarrassment. He had completely forgotten to put up his hair like he usually did before he went outside and he did  _not_  like looking disheveled or unprofessional in front of people, least of all Shiroe.

“S-so, Shiro-senpai!” he stuttered a little, still feeling self-conscious about his appearance. “You guys are back so early in the morning! Have you been walking all night?” He subconsciously reached behind his head and gathered his hair at the back into a makeshift low ponytail, bringing it around his shoulder and nervously twisting it in his hands. He looked up at Shiroe, his lips pinched together and his eyes wide in anticipation.

“Well…” Shiroe started. He shrugged his overstuffed backpack off his shoulders and put it on the ground. He lifted his arms above his head and stretched, and rolled his shoulders a few times, working out the kinks in his back. “We left Susukino three days ago, flying for as long as we could on our griffins. We had to land last night about an hour outside Akiba but we decided we’d just camp another night and walk back early in the morning and surprise the guild when they woke up.” Shiroe smiled.

“Yeah,” Naotsugu chimed in. “Also, we figured it’d be better if we had time to get back and unpack so we could get  _this_  kid settled in without too much of a fuss.” Naotsugu jerked his thumb over his shoulder and Soujirou’s eyes looked upwards and he jumped a little.

He had no idea how he hadn’t noticed her before, but there, hanging over Naotsugu’s shoulder was a young girl who looked to be about his age. A large volume of bubblegum pink hair sat atop her head, styled perfectly like a professional idol's. At first he thought she was unconscious, but then she blinked her eyes open and a yawn stretched across half of her face. It seemed to take her a few seconds to fully wake up. For a solid half a minute she just stared at Soujirou- her big eyes seemed to stare right into his soul. After a moment or two of them staring at each other, her mouth actually opened and the highest-pitched squeak Soujirou had ever heard came out of her mouth.

“Hey! Hey! Naotsugu! Who’s this little kid? He’s SUPER cute!!!” She jumped off of Naotsugu’s shoulder and circled around him, poking her face here and there to look at him. Soujirou felt like he was being sniffed out by a dog. “Is he from your guild? He’s one of the younger kids you were talking about right?” Soujirou bristled at being called a “younger kid,” and was caught off guard when she stopped moving and clasped his hand in hers. “I hope we can be friends! My name is Tetra! I’m a super popular idol  _all_  the way from Susukino. You can call me Tetra-san!” She said all this in one breath without pause, pumping Soujirou’s arm up and down in a rather rough handshake.

“I- um. I-” He had no idea how to respond. He could only stare in shock at the energy this girl was showing off this early in the morning. Was she for real, or was this a hallucination brought on by lack of sleep?

Thankfully Naotsugu stepped in right then and clarified to Soujirou what was going on. He picked Tetra up by the collar of her shirt and threw her back over his shoulder, which she definitely did not like at all. She kicked at Naotsugu, but he held her stubbornly in place.

 “Sorry about that, Soujirou. She’s always like that, unfortunately.” He muttered that last part under his breath. “She was sent to help us on the raid by Kazuhiko actually,” Soujirou’s ears perked up at the name drop of their mutual friend from the Tea Party, “and when we were packing and getting ready to come home, she suddenly decided she wanted to come with us. God only knows why though, ha-ha!” He looked over his shoulder at Tetra, who had stopped kicking and was now sulking, her arms crossed.

“Tetra, this guy is Soujirou Seta. He used to be a part of the Debauchery with us and Kazuhiko. Now he’s all grown up with his own guild here in Akiba and he’s also a big help to the Round Table Alliance, right Shiroe?”

“Soujirou is definitely one of the most skilled samurai in all of Yamato.” Shiroe agreed. Soujirou felt a chill run up his spine at the sudden praise from the enchanter and a smile started to wobble onto his face. “He was my main contact in Akiba during the raid at Susukino. The West Wind Brigade is a really influential guild here.” Soujirou was absolutely glowing with pride now. He was starting to bounce on his feet and fighting his that giddy smile that was threatening to appear.

Using Tetra as an excuse to hide his bubbling emotion, Soujirou awkwardly peeked around Naotsugu’s back at the pouting idol.

“N-nice to meet you, Tetra-san.” He said quickly, and when she turned to look at him again, he jumped back towards Shiroe.

She didn’t respond. Instead she glanced at him once again, and then to Shiroe and then Naotsugu. Without warning, she twisted herself out of Naotsugu’s grip, she crawled like a bug around Naotsugu’s shoulders and perched on his right side. She bent down and whispered in his ear, still looking at Soujirou. Naotsugu’s eyes widened at whatever she said, and he grinned rather evilly and glanced at Soujirou. Soujirou gulped. He did not like that look one bit, but he wanted to know what had transpired just now. Naotsugu shared a meaningful look with Tetra and looked at Shiroe.

“Hey Shiroe, why don’t you go out and get some breakfast with Soujirou. He looks like he’s had about as much rest as we’ve had, I’ll bet he could go for something sweet right now, right?”

Soujirou felt something in his face snap and he fumed silently. He had forgotten that Naotsugu more than likely knew about his real feelings. Back in the days of the Tea Party, Naotsugu would always tease him for being a girl-magnet and, not wanting Shiroe to think that he was interested in any of that, he yelled at Naotsugu to stop pointing it out every time. Unfortunately, Naotsugu had then noticed Soujirou’s tendency to go out of his way to talk to or impress Shiroe with talk about tactics, battle, and the world of  _Elder Tales_.

His world started to melt and somewhere, deep inside the recesses of his mind, a distant shrill screaming took over his thoughts. It was so obvious that he was being singled out in front of Shiroe and he wanted to run away as fast as he could, but he tightened his lips and maintained as straight a face as was possible.

“What?" Shiroe looked confused with an eyebrow cocked up high- a common expression for him, really. "But, Naotsugu, we still have to take back all our bags and unpack. Also we have to get Tetra settled into her room and get ready to introduce her to ever-“

“Nope! Nope!” Naotsugu cut Shiroe off. “Don’t worry, I can take care of all of that. You could definitely use a breather from us before we officially sign this girl up to be one of us. It'll be good for you to talk to someone you haven't been stuck with for the last month. Go catch up!!” He walked over and stole Shiroe’s travel bags in one sweeping motion. “I know! Why don’t you take Soujirou to that new café Akatsuki was telling you about? That sounded like a nice,  _cozy_ , place! It should be open right about now, right?”

“Ah- Yeah. Sure.” Shiroe nodded dumbly. He seemed confused as to what was happening as Naotsugu made this decision for him very fast.

“Great! Well, have fun you two! We’re going to go settle back in. Wake me up when you get back, ha-ha!” Naotsugu looked back over his shoulder, making eye contact with Soujirou and he lowered his voice. “That is…  _if_ you guys come back!” He winked at Soujirou and let himself and Tetra into the guild hall, closing the door behind them.

There went any shred of confidence Soujirou had left.

For a moment all was silent as Naotsugu and Tetra’s sudden absence made the already-quiet city sound painfully quieter. Soujirou thought his ears were about to pop from the quiet when Shiroe spoke up.

 “Shall we go then?” he asked quietly.

Soujirou remembered himself again and pulled himself together. Here was the perfect chance to spend some time alone with Shiroe without having to make up any excuses about needing to discuss politics. A chance to hang out like they used to way back when. He smiled up at his friend.

"Lead the way!" 

They walked back across the main square and down an offshoot street. On the right, the lights were on in a room on the ground floor. A sign above a door read "Soleil” and a sun was carved into the wood in Art Nouveau style. Though it was only about 7:15 in the morning, there were already quite a few people sitting down at tables inside.

"Whoa I've never seen this café before!" Soujirou exclaimed. 

Shiroe laughed quietly at his surprise.

"Akatsuki mentioned it to me in a call the other day. She said it was small and new and in need of business, but was really good." 

"Ah. Is that so." Soujirou felt himself screw up face, but instantly caught himself and tried to force a more neutral expression. Unfortunately, the ever-observant Shiroe noticed this.

"Something wrong?" 

"No, it's nothing, nothing, Shiro-senpai I'm fine!" Soujirou quickly reassured. “Let’s go get a seat! The food smells really good.”

They stepped inside and they didn’t have to wait very long, as the hostess recognized the two and sat them immediately at a small table for two tucked away in the corner of the shop. They sat down and, soon enough, the comforting atmosphere of the shop started to sink in and the tension that had been building up in Soujirou's shoulders lessened. Before long, they started to grow too warm for their coats and shrugged them off onto the backs of their chairs.

Though the atmosphere was great, neither of them had said a word to each other since they were just outside the café ten minutes ago. As soon as they sat down, Shiroe had gone straight to reading the menu in front of him.

Lulls in conversation between himself and Shiroe were extremely unnatural and it was grating a little on Soujirou that Shiroe hadn't said much to him after they hadn't seen each other in a month. The last thing he wanted was to make Shiroe impatient or to feel like he was wasting Shiroe's time. Also he was sure that Shiroe desperately needed to sleep and readjust to being in Akiba. But Soujirou had had enough of never-ending quiet and he made a pathetic attempt to break it.

"Nice place, isn't it?" he offered weakly.

"Yeah. Very warm." Shiroe said without looking up from behind his menu.

 _Dammit!_  He was wasting his time. Forget small talk, it never worked on Shiroe anyway. He took another shot in the dark.

"So! Shiro-senpai! How was the raid? I take it you guys won? Were the monsters almost unbeatable?” He felt guilty bombarding the weary Shiroe with heavy questions about things he probably wanted a break from, but the morning was progressing and the window of opportunity was shutting fast.

"H-hey, Soujirou, slow down!" Shiroe laughed. "Don't worry, I'll give you a full blow by blow soon enough. But first, I'd love to know how things have been going on around here? It's been so long, it feels like, since I've relaxed in a normal city." There was a hint of fatigue and relief in Shiroe's voice and a wave of understanding hit Soujirou. It must be hard, being suddenly deprived of the ability to engage in effortless small talk for such an extended period of time. He had forgotten that Shiroe had also suffered a little, from his self-imposed restriction on contact with friends in Akiba.

So Soujirou went on to tell Shiroe about all the goings-on in Akiba. He figured Shiroe had probably already heard specific details about the murderer from Akatsuki, since Shiroe had indeed talked to her before he got back, so he stuck to talking about city life and glossed over the raid battle that had occurred. 

“Ahh, well that’s nice that you got to celebrate Christmas like you did at home!” Shiroe said, smiling at an eager-looking Soujirou. “But, I heard that Akiba ended up a raid of its own? How did that go? From what I heard you were a little…hands off? What happened? Were you hurt?”

Soujirou grit his teeth. He didn’t want to talk about this at all, especially with Shiroe. Under better circumstances he would have loved nothing more than to talk about monsters and battle with Shiroe for hours on end, like they used to. But, at the moment, the events around the holiday raid still left a bad taste in his mouth, and he would rather have talked about Shiroe. Now that the topic was explicitly brought up, however, he couldn’t just blatantly put it on the backburner again. This was even harder to deal with because Shiroe looked genuinely concerned. He recalled the misery of the last few weeks and as he remembered more and more the tears from earlier threatened to come back. He did not want to see Shiroe make that face because of him.

“I- Well- I don’t know….Shiro-senpai….” Soujirou tried to gather the words he wanted to say. “Did you hear that I… died? Again?”

Shiroe shook his head.

“Well, I did. It was on Christmas Eve, and I had gone to face the murderer myself. No one in my guild was powerful enough to stop him, so I sent them home, thinking that there was still a chance to stop him myself. Of course, that proved to be futile in the end. Even when Akatsuki came to help, we still both ended up getting slaughtered…” He trailed off, not really sure how to continue answering Shiroe’s question. He didn’t have to worry too long about that though as Shiroe prompted him again.

“So did losing to the murderer dishearten you? That doesn’t seem much like you, to let one defeat hold you back from trying again and attacking full-force with a clear mind. There’s no way the Soujirou  _I_  know would ever have missed out on a raid. There must have been something else.”

“Well…to be honest…” Soujirou said, thinking that if he talked slowly enough, he’d never have to admit to Shiroe what had been eating at him for a week now. “It was… it was actually Akatsuki!”

He ended up blurting it out quickly. Damn his traitorous nerves.

“A-katsuki?” Shiroe repeated, one syllable at a time.

Soujirou looked to the right, as he always did when he was uncomfortable in a conversation.  _Shit_.  _Shit shit shit._ He had done it now. He wasn’t ready to do this. He wasn’t ready to let Shiroe know the truth. Months and months of practicing, but right now, at this moment, he knew that he would not be able to follow through with his intentions. Shiroe couldn’t know about his feelings. He definitely wasn’t allowed to know about his slight jealousy of Akatsuki. Not yet. Not until he was certain he could tell Shiroe all of this without wanting to cry. Not until he was sure Shiroe would be perfectly okay with receiving all of this brand new information. He had to wait just a little bit longer. Right now he had to climb out of the grave that he had dug himself into. Soujirou glanced at Shiroe and back out the window, and he spoke his next few words wisely.

“It wasn’t her personally, really,” he half-lied. “It was just- I was being selfish.” He tripped over his words as he spoke as quickly as he could. “Once she decided she wanted to learn her Overskill, I told her she had to find it within herself and learn on her own. You know how I am about fighting, if you’re spoon-fed how to do everything, the accomplishment feels meaningless.” He looked up at Shiroe, pausing to look for a reaction at that sentence, but Shiroe’s face was focused, as he listened intently to Soujirou’s words. “…And that was fine; she accepted my… personal stance on learning the Overskill… But then, without really checking with me, Nazuna took basically my entire guild and they started training with her, telling her stories about how the lot of them learned their personal Overskills.  
“And honestly, in retrospect, this was probably the fastest way to learn your Overskill, especially in a dire situation like that- even though I think you should let it come to you naturally. It was around this point that I felt a little betrayed, so I decided to pull out of this whole situation and let Nazuna and Akatsuki handle it since they were doing just fine organizing a raid on their own. But then, they were joined by more and more girls from other guilds, and it evolved into this giant city-wide event. And don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing, the raid tactics they pulled off. You know, since complex strategy is something that is way beyond my capabilities. I was so proud of them when they defeated the murderer,  _especially without killing him_ , though I’d have still liked to see him pay, even if he was possessed.  
But then!! Then they went and had this massive sleepover at Crescent Moon!! The guild hall was completely empty that night, I can’t belie-”

 “Ahhhhh, I see now!” Shiroe interrupted Soujirou’s tirade, pounding his fist in his hand as he appeared to make a connection. His shoulders were shaking and he was tearing up with laughter. This ticked off Soujirou quite a bit.

“What the heck Shiro-senpai why are you laughing so hard? That wasn’t funny!” he asked desperately. Shiroe only laughed harder.

“I just- It’s kind of funny, you have to admit- It sounds like, maybe, you’ve been hanging around all those girls just a bit too much!” He was laughing really loudly now, garnering attention from the tables adjacent to them.

Soujirou’s face flushed beet red, both with embarrassment and, now, irritation. He wasn’t used to opening up this much to anyone besides Nazuna and Shiroe’s laughing only made him feel more self-conscious. On impulse, he gripped the edges of the table with his hands, swung his foot back under his chair, and flung it forward as hard as he possibly could, smashing it square in the middle of Shiroe’s shin.

“OWW!!” the formerly dignified enchanter screamed. He choked on his own laughter and bent over to grab his leg in pain. Everyone in the café turned around to look at them now. Wincing, Shiroe turned his face mechanically toward Soujirou. “Was that- Really necessary?” he said, restraining himself from groaning in pain.

Soujirou puffed out his cheeks. “It’s not nice, Shiro-senpai, to make light of other people’s problems. You have no idea what it’s like to suddenly feel alienated from a guild that was… always so sociable…” he mumbled through pouted lips and furrowed brows, looking down at his knees sadly.

“You’re right, you’re right.” Shiroe sat up and waved his hands in acquiescence. “I was over-simplifying the situation, I’m sorry.” He seemed to recover from Soujirou’s powerful kick rather quickly. It was very unlikely that he would bruise from it either.

 _Tch_ , Soujirou thought while glaring slightly.  _He could use a bit of a kick in the pants for being tactless in conversation sometimes…_

“Well, either way,” Shiroe readjusted his glasses and got back to the point, “it sounds like, right now at least, you’re mostly suffering from a lack of stimulation.”

Soujirou cocked an eyebrow. “What?”

“Well, I mean," he explained, moving his hands awkwardly. Shiroe really wasn’t used to talking like this a lot. "You only set up the West Wind Brigade about a year ago right before the Apocalypse happened. Right before that you spent all of your time with Debauchery Tea Party. I’ll bet creating a brand new guild ended up being very different from what you were used to and probably expected... Am I right?" 

"Yeah.” Soujirou nodded. “I remember it was kind of scary, suddenly being in charge of so many people like that. There were a _lot_ of expectations. I would’ve died without Nazuna and Saki’s help, honestly." He had never actually talked to anyone about this before.

Shiroe continued. "Right. You suddenly had all this responsibility, made so much bigger by the Apocalypse. Your guild looks up to you because you’re skilled and because you have done a great job at protecting them. But for you, and I think you know this too, that that's where the problem starts."

"What do you mean, Shiro-senpai?"

"What I mean to say is, you're too skilled for your own guild."

His eyes narrowed. ".....go on."

"You have a lot of amazing fighters now, but weren't they pretty under leveled when they first joined you? I know from personal experience how exhausting it can be, guiding people through the levels. You have the conflict of being years ahead of everyone else at fighting... but you won't let people you care about suffer, if you can help it. I know how much you care about your comrades. And, Soujirou, I know you love to fight.”

 _That was…annoyingly true._ This conversation was turning into one similar to ones they used to have during their Tea Party sessions. Even though he was being thoroughly picked apart mentally, he was strangely fine with it. It was Shiroe, after all.

Shiroe started fiddling with his fork, pulling at the tines and making a _twang_ sound.

"By putting yourself in the guild that you did, I think you ended up becoming a crutch for a lot of people to lean on. And now you have to walk the thin line of not allowing harm to come to your guild, but also allowing them to grow on their own. It’s a hard balance to keep, right? I’m still having a hard time adjusting to it myself…” He trailed off and took a sip of his water.  When Soujirou didn’t say anything in response, he continued. “Though in your case, it seems like you’ve fallen on the sword quite a bit in order to protect everyone. I feel like, if you had the choice, you would have preferred to stay in the Tea Party indefinitely…..” He looked back up at Soujirou, and he couldn’t tell for sure because of the lighting, but it looked like Shiroe was blushing a little.

“Shiro-senpai…”

Soujirou considered Shiroe’s words, sticking his hands between his legs and looking down at his lap. He had never considered this- at least not all at once. Though he still felt like his mind had been invaded, he knew that Shiroe was right. Finally it seemed like he was reaching a breakthrough.

“Even if that’s true, I’m still kind of stuck, aren’t I? I mean, I haven’t held a meeting, or even talked to my guild aside from Nazuna in days! Things are really-“

“Here’s your tea. It’s on the house.” An older were-cat girl interrupted, placing two tea cups and a piping hot kettle in front of them. “I’ll give you guys a few more minutes to order, okay?” She bounced away, taking all the energy at the table with her. Irked and drained of the last bit of vigor he had been holding onto, Soujirou slumped and let his head fall dramatically onto the table, hitting it with a loud _clunk_.

“S-Soujirou, are you alright?” Shiroe stuttered, not sure how to handle this development.

“S’fine, Shiro-senpai,” Soujirou muttered into the wood, bringing his arms up to wrap around his face. “I’m just tired. I’ll be fine once I go home and sleep. This’ll all sort itself out.” Soujirou was done caring for the moment. His surroundings didn’t matter anymore, he just wanted to lose consciousness for a bit. He wanted to forget…

Then, he felt a soft weight on the top of his head. It was a hand.

 _Shiro-senpai’s hand,_ _what a nice feeling. I must be dreaming…_

Forgetting himself, Soujirou leaned into the touch and Shiroe obliged, threading his fingers through his hair and rubbing his head, slowly willing the dull ache away. The massage calmed Soujirou and he felt himself slipping away. The world was indistinct now. So fuzzy…

“-jirou… ouuujirouu. Soujirou!”

Soujirou jerked awake, his eyes breaking open wide. Completely disoriented, he sat straight up.

 _Where am I?? This isn’t my bed! Where are my walls?_ He started to hyperventilate while jerking his head around as he tried to place his surroundings.

“Soujirou!” Something gripped his shoulder and he whirled around to find himself sitting back across from Shiroe, who looked worried beyond belief, his hands hovering in the air as he looked unsure of what exactly he should do. Soujirou’s breath caught in his throat and the events of earlier that morning came flooding back to him. Suddenly everything was still.

“Ah, Shiro-senpai. I’m sorry. What happened?” Soujirou slurred. He tried to stay with it, forcing his eyes to stay open. The world around him felt unreal and claustrophobic.

“I- You passed out just now. It was only for a minute but you were completely gone. I’m so sorry, this is my fault. I should’ve let you go back home to sleep, you need it more than me- wait a second are you still in your pajamas??” He pointed at Soujirou’s legs, which he had only just noticed were bare, covered only by his boots and sleeping kimono. “Soujirou you were walking around the city like that? You’re going to get sick!”

“No, no, Shiro-senpai, it’s fine, I’m level nah-nah-niiiinetyyy…” A great yawn barged in and interrupted his words, already incoherent.

Shiroe exhaled and smiled to himself. He stood up and walked around the table, kneeling so he was right by Soujirou’s face and gently put an arm around his shoulder. Soujirou instinctively melded into it. _So warm_.

“Soujirou,” he said quietly, “why don’t I take you back to Log Horizon? It’s closer than West Wind Brigade, and you really need to get some sleep. You can sleep in my bed if you want?”

Soujirou felt his face heat up and his heartbeat quickened, but didn’t let himself get too worked up. This was too good to be true.

“No, no, that’s alright, just take me back to… well… are you sure?” His vision still felt glazed over with a fatigued lens that prevented this from feeling quite like reality. Even if this was a dream, he still wanted to make it a good dream.

“Of course it’s fine. I have extra space and… well it seems like you need a break anyway. A _real_ break. From West Wind Brigade. Maybe you can help me with things around Log Horizon for a couple days? There are going to be quite a few changes in Akiba soon that we need to prepare for, and I’d really love another close friend helping to oversee things.”

“I don’t know…”

“I’m sure the girls will understand.”

_You have no idea how much they’d understand._

Soujirou had no idea whether or not Shiroe was being nice because he was overtired or because he wanted to cheer Soujirou up, or both, but he was extremely grateful regardless. He felt silly for having spent so much time being petty and estranging himself from the world instead of dealing with his bitterness healthily.

It was good to feel needed by someone you wanted to need you.

“Okay.” He agreed. “But, Shiro-senpai?”

“Hm?”

Soujirou turned in Shiroe’s arm, and grinned. If this was a dream, he was going to milk it for what it was worth.

“You have to carry me back.”

“Hahaha, okay, okay. Hold on.”

Shiroe, walked back around the table and took his coat from the chair and put it back on. He put his hand in his pocket and left a silver coin on the table. Soujirou stretched and pulled his own coat back on and waited for Shiroe to come back to him.

“I hope you don’t mind piggyback, I still have to be able to open doors.”

Soujirou chuckled to himself and climbed onto Shiroe’s offered back, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

_Of course that’s alright, you idiot. This is already perfect._

After making sure Soujirou was securely on his back, Shiroe thanked and apologized to the hostess, and walked them both back out into the cold, starting towards the Log Horizon guild hall. The easygoing bob in Shiroe’s step felt to Soujirou like the gentle rocking of a boat, and acted as a lullaby.

Soujirou closed his eyes, contentedly. Even though it was only January, it felt like the miserable winter was already melting away. The man carrying him home wasn’t a mere person. Shiroe was like the sun to him, and encouragement from this guy was strength enough to will him to keep moving forward. Soujirou needed to march onward. With pride. He had a lot going on for himself, after all.

As he started to fall asleep again, peacefully this time, he made one last effort to talk to Shiroe about something pleasant.

"Now come on, Shiro-senpai. Tell me about this legendary raid. It's been so long since I've been on one!" he whined feebly. 

Soujirou shook with Shiroe’s laughing shoulders.

"Haha! Well it sounds like that's a bit your own fault, from what you told me."

"That's not fair, Shiro!” Ah, crap. He forgot to remember the honorific that time. He blamed the intimate conversation they were having and prayed Shiroe didn’t notice. “That was a...special case, I already told you… Now come on already, I want to hear all of the details, and all of the attacks and formations!!" 

“Alright, alright, I’ll tell you.” And, finally, Shiroe began to recount his tale, lulling Soujirou back to sleep as he carried him home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've written fanfiction a lot in the past but this is the first time I've officially published anything I wrote. Many thanks to my friend Alex, who read it over and edited for me!!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! I'm writing more Log Horizon things, with other characters and pairings too, but I haven't decided whether I want to continue this narrative or keep it as a stand-alone story and just keep writing one-shots. I love SouShiro so much and to me it's a travesty that the Western LH fandom hasn't capitalized on it... We shall see how it goes, I'm finally on Christmas break right now, and I have all the time in the world!...for the next two weeks anyway.
> 
> Thank you!!!


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